Saturday, August 15, 2009

Parading Televangelists

*Satire from “My Beloved Made A Whip”. This is hilarious, and at times, it is sad because there is truth to it.

Televangelists to Appear in Macy’s Parade

New York City’s annual Macy’s Parade will include several new floats this year: a line of seven televangelists will be spotlighted near the middle of the many parade entries. Reverends Jesse Duplantis, Kenneth Copeland, Steve Munsey, Paul Crouch/TBN, Juanita Bynum, Paula White, and Todd Bentley will make their debuts with floats ranging from extravagant to just plain indulgent.

Reverend Duplantis will be showing off a huge prosperity-themed float, complete with a mini-mansion and several luxury automobiles following behind it. The marble mansion will include a small pool and a spa, as well as golden floors and elaborate candelabra. As well, the float will be decorated with flowers flown in from Fiji, Hawaii, and Guam. Reverend Duplantis will sit atop the mansion, throwing seed to onlookers in order to promote his famed sow-a-seed doctrine. “If you sow seed like I do, you laity can get as rich as I am! And I’m really, really rich!” Duplantis will yell as his float moves along the city streets.

Next in line will be Reverend Copeland’s float, a masterpiece in artwork designed by the Italian architect Flavio Penitelli. “It’s gonna be a super-sized KC ministry jet made completely of red and white roses,” said Kenneth. “We’re taking up offerings right now all around the world to fund this anointed three-million-dollar project.”

Third in line will be Steve Munsey’s float, which will be a gigantic hundred dollar bill formed by green and white carnations. “We praise God now, and we’ll be praising God in 2010 for His many riches in glory! Our ministry is blessed!” Mr. Munsey animatedly told parade producers.

Fourth in the televangelist row will be Todd Bentley’s float: a huge female angel formed by white daisies. Fifth will be Paula White’s float: several enormous letters made of carnations that simply spell “Paula White.” Sixth will be Juanita Bynum’s float: a large fancy designer pen sitting next to an emergency prayer kit. The prophetess will also sit atop her float and prophesy wealth to American Christians if they sow into her ministry. Both Paula and Juanita will utilize flowers flown in strictly from Japan. And, last but not least will be TBN’s float: hundreds and hundreds of dollar signs made of green and white petunias. “We want people to know that even though we have half a billion dollars in the bank, we still need them to become partners with us, to send in their seed now. If they don’t, God can’t bless them and we can’t continue our work,” TBN founder Paul Crouch told reporters yesterday.

The only other religious-themed float in the parade will be from a small non-profit called ‘Did You Feed Me? Ministries.’ It will only contain one small bouquet of flowers held by the ministry founder, Buck Sheeshan, as he shows videos, videos of starving African children, on large televisions placed around the float. Asked why he entered a float in the parade, he replied with tears in his eyes, “I’ll do anything it takes to raise the money needed to fill the stomachs of these precious kids, including parading their needs before the whole world. I dare not parade myself, as love would not do such a thing (1 Corinthians 13); but I do dare parade God’s heart and His will before those who have ears to hear and eyes to see.” Sheeshan, who sends missionaries into inland Africa and Haiti, still lives in a 1999 double-wide mobile home outside of Baton Rouge, Louisiana, refusing to use the offerings sent his ministry for anything other than helping the poor and spreading the gospel. “How could I do otherwise? How could I grieve God by serving myself at the expense of the hungry?” he told a NY Times reporter. “Did Jesus take his offerings and spend them on worldly nonsense? No, the foxes had dens, the birds had nests, but Jesus had nowhere to lay His head. Actually though, He made His home in the Father’s presence, an unseen dwelling place more luxurious, spacious, and beautiful than anything you and I could ever imagine. Its splendor and glory makes Donald Trump’s Florida mansion look like a little tin shack.”

The seven televangelists say they will collectively spend over sixteen million dollars for the floats, enough to feed Ethiopia’s hungry population for over five years. Justifying the expense, Reverend Duplantis stated, “Prosperity sometimes comes at a price, I guess. But I’m not gonna feel bad that God has decided to bless me financially. I’m His son, and by golly I’m blessed and I’m gonna live blessed! Amen!”

(Note: this is satire.)